So, my paternal grandmother committed suicide. And my dad, and my aunt, and my uncle have spent a lifetime battling serious depression. Don't think that this is unrelated to the current state of affairs.
I myself, my own precious self, have suffered through three pretty serious depressive episodes. The most intense was by far when I had just graduated from law school and I was attempting to study for the bar. The psychological effort involved in this undertaking just about did me in. But I did it. And I thought (naively) that I had conquered this crap, with the help of drugs and therapy and sheer fucking willpower.
But now, one divorce and three job changes later, fertility drugs (yes, just Clomid and Prometrium) are about to put me under. At first I thought perhaps it would quickly pass, as it seems to for others, but it has become clear that this is not so much the case. My current theory is that you need a certain baseline level before you start this evil, fucked up crap, or else it just puts you down in the nasty stinky pit. And, as previously mentioned, I am really not in the mental state, biologically and historically speaking, where I can afford much crap.
I am not quite sure what to do here, but I most certainly need some help. I have learned to ask for help when I need it, see? Anyone have some words of wisdom to spare?
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8 comments:
Whew, blogger was hiccuping and I thought I wouldn't be able to leave a comment for you when you really needed one.
I'm so sorry about your Grandmother. I too have a history of mental illness in my family and it scares the crap out of me. My Dad is bipolar/manic-depressive and my sister is also showing signs she's headed down that path.
Keep talking it out is the best assvice I can give. The fertility drugs throw everything out of whack and the best thing you can do is to keep talking to us. Sorry I couldn't be more insightful, but I'm here if you need to talk. Just drop me an e-mail.
I think you've made the most important step in realizing that you need and want help.
Oh, sweetie,I don't know that I have much advice to offer, but I just wanted to say I'm sorry. This crap's hard enough as it is. Femara might treat you better than Clomid, so that may be worth discussing with your doc. Also, some ADs can be used during pregnancy--may be worth bringing up with your RE or regular doc.
Good luck, my dear.
I am just a humble lurker but wanted to share my assvice. First, I am very sorry about your Grandmother. Sometimes, time numbs wounds. Second, I suffer from severe depression and had a terrible time with Clomid. My RE finally put me on Tranxene also. It helped with the headaches and the depression. Maybe ask your dr?
Dearest Mud, I am afraid I don't have much ad/assvice to offer, but I would like to second Internal Spring's comments that sometimes there can be other causes. My father suffers from depression and several years ago I thought that I, too, was in the throes of it. But my doctor discovered a thyroid problem and I recovered very quickly with hormone replacement.
That said, however, you know yourself and I'm guessing that you've had all the tests and already know specifically what you're facing. Please, please know that I'm always here to talk with or to listen, along with your many readers, and will be thinking of you constantly.
Oh, and one other piece of assvice: I've been told by several friends that changing the drugs every so often is essential. They get inured to one and have to switch to a similar compound.
Love to you,
Bugs
Oh my Muddy friend, I am so sorry you're going through this. So so sorry.
(start assvice:)
I second (fourth?) the thought that you shouldn't go on Clomid again at all. This seems like something you should talk through with a doctor - either the RE if you like him (her?) or your regular doctor. And take notes in with you (or bring K if he's good at that sort of thing) to make sure you get your message across clearly - so they realize this is something to be taken seriously and not just the run of the mill Clomid crazies.
(end assvice)
I love a good clomid bash (wherein we bash the clomid as opposed to throwing a bash in its honor)!
In my family, we lean more toward panic and anxiety disorders that have led some of us to refuse to leave the house without a loaded pistol tucked not-so-discretely into a back pocket. So I agree with you about the baseline thing to some extent. That said, I've also heard that completely pleasant people with a clean bill of mental health and no known skeletons in the family closet have gone totally bonkers on clomid.
WARNING: MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF ASSVICE AHEAD. I'm sure you've come across this thanks to google, but clomid works directly on your brain. FSH injections bypass the brain (something I've been trying to do for years!) and act directly on the ovaries. I can't tell you how much saner I was on injectibles. I think I already told you about how my husband had a look of pure physical threat in his eye as he explained to our two potential new REs that if anyone so much as mentioned the word clomid, we'd have our little self-paying asses out of there before they could say "discount!" It's nasty stuff and many doctors don't use it at all except for women who can't ovulate on their own. Another thought is that you could try progesterone cream (not the kind sold on the internet by people claiming that eating meat has made us all "estrogen-dominant," the kind that your doctor gives you with a monistat-like applicator. It might not mess with you as much. It's supposed to be more effective anyway (of course it is, because it's more expensive!).
Another thought just occured to me... do you have insurance coverage? If so, they might require three rounds of clomid before approving inectibles. That's why I did three rounds last time. In retrospect, I should have just accepted the prescription, pretended to take it, and gone through the motions for two more cycles.
Clomid made me very unhappy and frankly didn't seem to change my fertility. I only pretended to take it for the obligatory 2nd and 3rd cycles - they never noticed any difference in my follicles and since we're male factor it all seemed ridiculous to me.
The only other thing is to make sure family know you're not yourself at this particular moment. Blame all outbursts on the drug!
While I've never taken clomid, it kicked the crap out of a friend - she had to stop taking it. Looks like you might need to do the same (if you haven't already).
I'm sorry about your grandmother - both dementia, depression and alcoholism (triply blessed) run in my family.
One more thing - this is harder than I ever thought it would be, might be worth looking for a counsleor or therapist to be able to let it all out. Good luck.
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