If you had told me that IF would have the biggest effect on my marriage after the pink line finally showed, I would have pshawed you. Not possible, I would have said. How could the glorious and long-awaited moment of a BFP possibly lead to a bad place? I am here to tell you that it is in fact possible. And happening. To me.
Nurse Nasty called yesterday with an eerie repeat of Monday's conversation, spiced up with additional confusion, inability to explain herself and sheer panic on my end of the line. The 16dpo number is 118.6--not doubling as quickly as the last test but still a perfectly respectable 42 hour time. Not surprisingly, N.N. again expresses doubt and regret about the numbers. Still too low, they say. They cannot explain to me what number they would find acceptable, the source of that number and the freaking dpo of this fabled pregnancy. I have a strong suspicion that they are looking at a 5wk pregnancy or something but this cannot be confirmed until the one nurse who controls all comments on betas is available for questioning. Theoretically, this will happen today.
So, this is freaking me out. I mean, wouldn't it freak you out? I think, in my heart of hearts, that everything is probably okay but it's hard to hold on to that when the medical professionals I write big checks to don't agree. Bitches. I am a bit of a wreck. Well, it goes back and forth depending on how recently I've had a totally unsatisfying conversation with Nurse Nasty.
Meanwhile, DH and I have argued and fought more in the last week than we have in our entire marriage. Exponentially more than we ever clashed during the diagnosis, consultation, and treatment aspects of this. It appears that the combination my state of precarious wreckage after this last month of huge emotional ups and downs, the essentially unknowable, unpredictable purgatorial nature of the situation, and DH's anger at not being able to fix it adds up to one disconnect after another. One conversation after another when I need comfort and he needs to pretend it's not happening. This is explosive stuff and we don't know how to get past it.
For god's sakes, I hope Smart Nurse calls me today.
Nurse Nasty called yesterday with an eerie repeat of Monday's conversation, spiced up with additional confusion, inability to explain herself and sheer panic on my end of the line. The 16dpo number is 118.6--not doubling as quickly as the last test but still a perfectly respectable 42 hour time. Not surprisingly, N.N. again expresses doubt and regret about the numbers. Still too low, they say. They cannot explain to me what number they would find acceptable, the source of that number and the freaking dpo of this fabled pregnancy. I have a strong suspicion that they are looking at a 5wk pregnancy or something but this cannot be confirmed until the one nurse who controls all comments on betas is available for questioning. Theoretically, this will happen today.
So, this is freaking me out. I mean, wouldn't it freak you out? I think, in my heart of hearts, that everything is probably okay but it's hard to hold on to that when the medical professionals I write big checks to don't agree. Bitches. I am a bit of a wreck. Well, it goes back and forth depending on how recently I've had a totally unsatisfying conversation with Nurse Nasty.
Meanwhile, DH and I have argued and fought more in the last week than we have in our entire marriage. Exponentially more than we ever clashed during the diagnosis, consultation, and treatment aspects of this. It appears that the combination my state of precarious wreckage after this last month of huge emotional ups and downs, the essentially unknowable, unpredictable purgatorial nature of the situation, and DH's anger at not being able to fix it adds up to one disconnect after another. One conversation after another when I need comfort and he needs to pretend it's not happening. This is explosive stuff and we don't know how to get past it.
For god's sakes, I hope Smart Nurse calls me today.
4 comments:
First time reader here.....isnt it just amazing how little the nurses seem to know? With our Google MDs, we definitely know more about this whole beta/progesterone stuff than they seem to have even learned 10 years ago in nursing school! They have no idea what number is ok for them...it seems like they are basing it on gut feelings. Isnt it comforting that we pay them for their "feeling" rather than their mind? I think not.
Unfortunately, you just never know with betas - they're completely unpredictable. Try to take it easy and one day at a time. Have you talked to your husband and told him what you need? Communication is so very important during all this crap. Good luck.
I remember exactly where you are at. You are completely stressing and he is just not doing it for you. It will get better, I promise.
Most important thing is to keep talking, even if it does end up in a yelling match.
Many, many hugs to you, Muddy! This is a really rough time. The stress is higher because the stakes are so much higher. I think one of the many horrible things about IF is that in many ways it robs you of that happy BFP moment. A while back I had a conversation with a bunch of fertile friends about HPTs. They were curious about how I knew to be worried that I was going to miscarry and I told them that it was because the HPT lines got a little lighter when they should have been staying super-dark. They were completely flabbergasted to learn that anyone ever takes more than one HPT. For all of them, they just did a test, saw two lines and started picking out names and nursery themes.
What a different world we live in.
Please let us know as soon as you hear from SN. I really think NN has her head up her ass.
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