I know posts along these lines have caused a lot of controversy in the Blog World in the past and I have no wish to stir up any of that crap. But I want to talk about this, so if you want to read it, buckle your seat belts.
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FertilityFriend.com popped up with this helpful tip today: "You may be surprised that other moms and older women now accept you as a full adult and a grown-up woman in a new way." A "full adult"? What kind of rank bullshit is that? And coming from a website that plays host to teeming throngs of infertiles? Apparently, once you're pregnant, that kind of stuff is not supposed to piss you off anymore. You're supposed to be excited about being "accepted in a new way" and move on with your life.
But that's bullshit. I can't just *poof* make this transition from an Infertile Heather to an apparently normal pregnant person. I am not normal. I don't know who those "normal" people are.
One of the greatest joys over the last year was my discovery of the Heathers and, though them, all of you. After feeling so alone and so apart from everyone I knew in real life, it was an overwhelming relief to come online and talk to my friends who understood all too well where I was and why I felt that way.
That is different now, and I don't know where to go next. Of course I know exactly how painful it is to read or see something about someone else's pregnancy when you fear that you'll never have one of your own. I don't want to cause anyone that pain. But I feel that sometimes my online presence alone, as a pregnant person, causes pain. That if I post anything at all it will scream, "She's pregnant and you're not!"
So, I feel that I should stop posting comments on your blogs and posts in the Heathers group. But I don't want to. I lurve you people. Many of you are real-er to me than my real life friends and I follow your trials and tribulations just as avidly. And I've come to depend on your support and friendship. And beginning to lose it has made me realize just how important it is.
I've read more than one post from a pregnant infertile along these same lines. Talking about how lonely it is over here. I am thrilled to be pregnant and I am so very nervously holding my breath for second trimester. I wish I could talk to you about that. I wish I could share it. You are thinking, well can't she just find some new pregnant friends and get on with it? The answer is no. The Easily Pregnant are everywhere and they are different on a cellular level. They don't know what a beta is. They don't know what a dildocam is. They don't know what it's like to want so desperately you think you won't live through it.
Yes, I know. Bitch bitch bitch. Whine whine whine. Easy for me to say and all that. I can't help it. I don't want them. I want you.
All of this just to tell you, I'm not going to disappear from IF land. I don't want to and I couldn't even if I did. And I am going to talk about pregnancy on this blog as long as I am pregnant, but I will keep it under wraps as much as possible elsewhere. I just thought you should know why I might sometimes cross the comfort line, trying to stay in your life and keep you in mine.
11 comments:
I first stumbled across IF blogs after my third loss. The knowledge that other women are going through similar experiences with the same ups and downs that I have is a wonderful support. Right after a loss, I'm more comfortable reading the non-pregnant blogs. When I'm starting a procedure, I like reading about women going through similar procedures. Now that I'm pregnant (again), I find real comfort in reading about you and others in the same boat. My best friend just had a wonderful daughter from a totally uneventful "oops" pregnancy. While I love the both of them, she and my other girl friends just don't have any perspective on the experience of being pregnant (for now) after four losses. Thanks for writing and telling your story.
Oh sweetie. I'm glad to hear you're not going anywhere - I'm looking forward to following you along this path. I think we all need role models - I read IVF blogs and adoption blogs and pregnancy blogs even though none of these are the stage I'm at right now. Soon, maybe, but not now. I take comfort in knowing that I won't be alone in those stages, either.
It's different hearing from a pregnant infertile than from the easily pregnant. Less naive. Less "touch me and it'll rub off on you." I hate that my pregnant infertile friends feel bad about sharing with me/us as much as I hate when the easily pregnant share too much. In any case, I hope you won't stop sharing.
I totally agree with Cass. It feels different hearing the great news from an infertile that you know has been in the trenches with you. Some days it's easier and some days it's hard.
This is your place to do with what you wish. Those who visit will and those who can't won't.
Don't feel bad about commenting anywhere, especially over at my place. The door is always open for you Mudbug, come on over.
Oh sweetie, I lurve you, too. I don't want you to go anywhere!
For me, unless I am particularly emotionally fragile (ie, the day I was dealing with PMS, jet lag, and a friend's insta-pregnancy), I enjoy reading the blogs and stories of people who have moved on. I do so because I know that (a)pregnancy doesn't always guarantee a baby, and I want my friends to have my support if something goes wrong, and (b) that hopefully I will be there one day, needing others' support.
I have a feeling you're still living your days in abject terror, and I really don't want you to feel like you can't share that with us, or that we won't/can't support and reassure you through this still-scary time. For me, it's less about the pregnancy state, and more about the person--I like you. I like hearing from you, and reading your thoughts on things. You've been a great support to me, and I owe you the same, even though you were lucky enough to get yourself knocked up!
So, please, stay. We'd miss you too much if you left! Just promise not to (a) change your screen name to "Preggersnproudmudbug!!!" or (b) post gratuitous belly shots in your signature, and all should be good.
Please keep posting, here and elsewhere. But you should look for some infertile alums to hang out with too.
And I HIGHLY recommend finding some infertile alums in real life too if you can. They'll come in handy when you're a mom too.
I have to say that even now that I have an almost-two-year-old, I am definitely not a normal mom. Even before we started to TTC again. It really changes a person.
I'm back to thinking about that T-shirt idea. You know, we could have maternity shirts that say "Yay for clomid/IUI" or onesies that say "I'm a gonal-f success!" Something like that so that we can identify each other.
Best of luck with the OB appointment and definitely update the blog with pregnancy details more frequently.
Personally, I find inspiration and the strength to keep my head above water from the folks that have "graduated." If people don't want to read it, they won't, but don't feel obligated to move on - some of us need to hear about the success of others. And on a slightly psychologically warped note, I can enjoy hearing about your pregnancy 'cause you've, uh, earned it, unlike most Pregnant At the Drop of A Hat-type women.
When this issue has come up before, I have heard people say that it is much like the alcoholic that hasn't had a drink in 20 years. He or she is still an alcoholic, just in constant recovery. I think infertility and resulting pregnancy is just this. Having dealt with IF problems I think we are and always will be infertiles, even if we end up with 4 kids eventually. I don't think you can ever leave that part of yourself behind.
There are a lot of contradictions in the heart and mind of a pregnant infertile. I feel the same way you do with my infertility support groups. I hope you keep on writing, I for one love to read your progress and see I'm not alone feeling like this.
I just found your blog and this particular post struck a chord. As a newly pregnant infertile who blogs and feels like I'm in murky territory, you summed up my feelings perfectly. Thanks for that.
I just discovered your blog and this is the first entry I read and wanted to comment. I'm an infertile mom who's currently ttc #2 and pg and motherhood is different for those of us who are infertile and people don't get it. We don't magically cross to the other side. Unfortunately it just doesn't work like that. We can't go back and achieve that blissful innocence and ignorance that the fertiles enjoy. Infertiles who haven't had their first child try to make me feel guilty for having my first even though it took me years, tens of thousands of dollars, rivers of tears, and unmeasurable pain to get her. Pregnancy and parenting after infertility -- with infertility (because you're not magically cured) -- just isn't the same for us. I've been ttc #2 for over a year now, it still hurts. It's still hard. My heart still aches. I still shed tears. Infertility is still evil.
Best of luck to you.
Beautifully said, Muddy. I feel the exact same way, sometimes even recalling my posts to the Heathers group and thinking, Ew, maybe I shouldn't have gone there....It's a fine line and a touchy one, but you've put your time in the trenches.
Oh, and I love Lindy's idea about the fertility onesies. I think there's definitely a future for those.
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