A Different Sort of Longing

I know posts along these lines have caused a lot of controversy in the Blog World in the past and I have no wish to stir up any of that crap. But I want to talk about this, so if you want to read it, buckle your seat belts.

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FertilityFriend.com popped up with this helpful tip today: "You may be surprised that other moms and older women now accept you as a full adult and a grown-up woman in a new way." A "full adult"? What kind of rank bullshit is that? And coming from a website that plays host to teeming throngs of infertiles? Apparently, once you're pregnant, that kind of stuff is not supposed to piss you off anymore. You're supposed to be excited about being "accepted in a new way" and move on with your life.

But that's bullshit. I can't just *poof* make this transition from an Infertile Heather to an apparently normal pregnant person. I am not normal. I don't know who those "normal" people are.

One of the greatest joys over the last year was my discovery of the Heathers and, though them, all of you. After feeling so alone and so apart from everyone I knew in real life, it was an overwhelming relief to come online and talk to my friends who understood all too well where I was and why I felt that way.

That is different now, and I don't know where to go next. Of course I know exactly how painful it is to read or see something about someone else's pregnancy when you fear that you'll never have one of your own. I don't want to cause anyone that pain. But I feel that sometimes my online presence alone, as a pregnant person, causes pain. That if I post anything at all it will scream, "She's pregnant and you're not!"

So, I feel that I should stop posting comments on your blogs and posts in the Heathers group. But I don't want to. I lurve you people. Many of you are real-er to me than my real life friends and I follow your trials and tribulations just as avidly. And I've come to depend on your support and friendship. And beginning to lose it has made me realize just how important it is.

I've read more than one post from a pregnant infertile along these same lines. Talking about how lonely it is over here. I am thrilled to be pregnant and I am so very nervously holding my breath for second trimester. I wish I could talk to you about that. I wish I could share it. You are thinking, well can't she just find some new pregnant friends and get on with it? The answer is no. The Easily Pregnant are everywhere and they are different on a cellular level. They don't know what a beta is. They don't know what a dildocam is. They don't know what it's like to want so desperately you think you won't live through it.

Yes, I know. Bitch bitch bitch. Whine whine whine. Easy for me to say and all that. I can't help it. I don't want them. I want you.

All of this just to tell you, I'm not going to disappear from IF land. I don't want to and I couldn't even if I did. And I am going to talk about pregnancy on this blog as long as I am pregnant, but I will keep it under wraps as much as possible elsewhere. I just thought you should know why I might sometimes cross the comfort line, trying to stay in your life and keep you in mine.

The Good News

is that K. and I seem to have reached a detente in our war. At least for now. And thank God.

So today we'll be taking a survey--how do you choose an OB? Here's the situation: The only OB/Gyn I have seen in years was one visit with Dr. Quiet before running to the RE. She seems pretty nice but her staff is semi-bitchy and she can't see me until July 15. I will be nearly 12 weeks. I don't like this.

Choice #2 is Dr. Hands Off, who is highly recommended by my mother the L&D nurse as a non-interventionist doctor. He can see me at the end of June at 9 weeks. This is much much much better. However, he was the OB when K and Ex were expecting A, five years ago. He did not deliver, but he was the official OB. This creeps me out a little. Particularly since it bugs me that K has already had his first baby experience--and it turns out it was with this Doctor. Of course.

Plan C was to try to find someone else entirely. It seems that all the Drs. people like and recommend are either so very popular you can't get an appointment or else they have gotten so popular they don't deliver anymore. And the rest just seem to suck. Midwives are not a real option because they can only do home births here and I don't think that's a good idea with a first timer.

Any thoughts? I think I may just have to get over it. I mean, I need to actually find an OB, right?

It Is Official

I just can't believe it. We had the repeat ultrasound today and all is well. I told Dr. All Business to double check, since I'm not used to hearing good news from him. He swore on his stethoscope that the little pea is growing as it should be. We are 7 weeks today and we saw the heartbeat winking away in there at 127 beats per minute. Can you imagine? From a single cell to a heartbeat in just 5 weeks. It is truly overwhelming.

Meanwhile, back at the Mud Ranch, me and K have been fighting like the world depends on it. We have maintained the high level of fighting discussed below from the beta testing daysand now we have even stepped it up to a whole new category. We fight about what to have for dinner and what to do with the grass clippings and what kind of detergent to use on the clothes. (I wish I was kidding). I know that my part in this drama is fueled mostly by the constant draining fatigue that I can't seem to shake. Have you ever felt so tired that you just want to cry like a little girl? That's me. Pretty much every day. I think K is beset by massive masculine insecurities now that the Pea appears to be around for the long haul. You know, how to feed and clothe this extra mouth we expect come January. You combine these two things and it seems to be combustible. Whoosh!

Would it be ungrateful to wish for a little break in here somewhere?

A Little Light Music While You Wait......

The Interview

For a little change of pace, Lindy has "interviewed" me. The Q & A:

1. What kinds of misperceptions, if any, do you think people have about you?

I think the most common misperception about me is that people think I am a lot stronger and tougher and harsher than I really am. I find this tremendously irritating, because I think it means that I am not allowed to be upset. Ever. K. thinks it's really really cool and doesn't understand why would I ever think "strength" is bad. Thus, the close-up and personal view you've had of my whining on this blog.

2. Did you have a happy childhood?

I thought it was pretty happy while I was in the midst of it and it's only as an adult that I realized some of the more fucked-up aspects. Overall, not too shabby.

3. Who's more of a catch, you or your husband?

If you like control freaks who are wound too tight but keep the lights on and the higher education degrees dusted, you would like me. If you like fun, barbeque, silly jokes, kindness or pasta, you would like my husband.

4. What's the last dream or nightmare you remember having? Care to indulge in a little self-analysis?

Lord no. I've already started with the pregnancy nightmare dreams and I don't particularly want to relive them. Other than that, I have the standard, feeling-inadequate-at-work dreams. Which I also don't want to relive.

5. Since you're good and knocked up now, where do you fall: attachment parenting or Ferberizing. If you aren't familiar with the two-party system of parenting, study up and let us know what you think. While we're at it, breastfeeding or bottlefeeding? Solids at 3 months or 6 months? Have you read the latest research on the effect of overuse of exersaucers on the development of your baby's back and legs? Just kidding. I'll let you leave some of those questions til at least the second trimester.

My first instinctual answer would be Ferberizing, since I believe that most kids are waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too spoiled and rotten. But then again, after reading your links, I'm torn. I guess I think that there is a time for tough discipline, but that time is not at 3 months old. So, I'm somewhere in the middle.

Definitely breastfeeding, provided I can do it. My mother, the former La Leche League leader, will see to that.

The other two questions are going to have to wait because I have no idea a'tall.

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If you want to participate in the interviews, leave a comment below saying "interview me." I will respond by asking you five questions - each person's will be different. You will update your journal/blog with the answers to the questions. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview others in the same post. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Houston, We Have a Yolk Sac

All normal. Not only normal, a little ahead of schedule even--we measured nearly 6 weeks at only 5w2d. We not only have a perfectly normal gestational sac, we also have a beautifully normal yolk sac. All in the right places and the right shapes and sizes. I even obsessively insisted on writing down all measurements for later googling and, by golly, it was all good news!

I am stunned. You could knock me over with a feather. I may even plotz. Since when does good news come from the RE's office? I am not sure what to do now, but I am daring to dream a little here.

I could just kiss all of you. Really. I mean that.