I should explain at the outset of this post that since becoming a stepmother who is deeply involved in raising a 5 year old, I have discovered myself to be much more traditionalist about discipline than I would have expected. Not quite a Victorian sensibility but firmly in the I am the adult and I make the rules kind of parenting category. Another way of saying it: I think it is our job as parents to teach children how to control themselves (to the extent possible depending on age, maturity, etc) so that they can use their emotions constructively rather than destructively. There is probably a fancy name for a parenting theory attached to this, but I am speaking strictly from the gut here.
So, on with the post. Before I became a stepmother, I had passing contact with other people's children. A day with the nieces here, a barbeque there, all very infrequent. I generally spent my time with other childless adults. But, since A. has entered my life, I have begun my initiation into the sticky wicket that is Hanging Out With Other People With Children. I think this happens because it makes having a social life with a child easier, not just because the kids mostly entertain each other.
Fast forward to present day. What does one do when you are viscerally irritated by your friends' offspring and/or their handling of said child? Irritated is perhaps not quite the word. Hmmm. Perhaps it's better described as a situation in which your friends' child is engaging in behavior that would get your child verbally corrected, at the least, or chucked into heavy duty time out, at worst. And this Other Child's behavior usually nets a very very gentle, "don't hit mommy," if anything from the friends. And this behavior is not occasional.
I could say that the major problem here is that A. will pick up the bad behavior. And, to some extent, that is an issue. But I think if we're being honest here, it's more about K. and I. What do you do when other people's parenting choices (and I do believe that's exactly what this is) drive you batty? We don't want to stop being friends with these people, as the adults in this circle are pretty close and have been for some time. And I certainly have no illusions that our opinions about anything involving their child would or should matter a whit to them. I'm even willing to go so far as to say that perhaps they are doing the best thing for their family. But, I will never ever be converted to thinking that misbehavior is charming and cute. I love my friends dearly but we have found ourselves shrinking back a bit from what once was a frequent social relationship. This has not been improved by hormone-induced crankiness.
Thoughts? Suggestions? Smack across the face?
So, on with the post. Before I became a stepmother, I had passing contact with other people's children. A day with the nieces here, a barbeque there, all very infrequent. I generally spent my time with other childless adults. But, since A. has entered my life, I have begun my initiation into the sticky wicket that is Hanging Out With Other People With Children. I think this happens because it makes having a social life with a child easier, not just because the kids mostly entertain each other.
Fast forward to present day. What does one do when you are viscerally irritated by your friends' offspring and/or their handling of said child? Irritated is perhaps not quite the word. Hmmm. Perhaps it's better described as a situation in which your friends' child is engaging in behavior that would get your child verbally corrected, at the least, or chucked into heavy duty time out, at worst. And this Other Child's behavior usually nets a very very gentle, "don't hit mommy," if anything from the friends. And this behavior is not occasional.
I could say that the major problem here is that A. will pick up the bad behavior. And, to some extent, that is an issue. But I think if we're being honest here, it's more about K. and I. What do you do when other people's parenting choices (and I do believe that's exactly what this is) drive you batty? We don't want to stop being friends with these people, as the adults in this circle are pretty close and have been for some time. And I certainly have no illusions that our opinions about anything involving their child would or should matter a whit to them. I'm even willing to go so far as to say that perhaps they are doing the best thing for their family. But, I will never ever be converted to thinking that misbehavior is charming and cute. I love my friends dearly but we have found ourselves shrinking back a bit from what once was a frequent social relationship. This has not been improved by hormone-induced crankiness.
Thoughts? Suggestions? Smack across the face?
1 comment:
i love giving, as i've heard you so delicately put it, 'assvice'! =)
raising a 5 yo, we also encounter these types of situations. one thing i think we've really strived to do in raising him, is communication. we've always talked to ds, about almost anything he inquires on, constantly trying to teach him things. but regarding behavior specifically, he knows what we expect of him. and we've made it clear that just because he may see or hear something he doesn't do (and knows he shouldn't) doesn't mean it's acceptable in any way. it just means that others don't share the same rules that we do. we then suggest that ds be an example for good behavior and can hopefully show others the nice way to do things. does this mean he's always the perfect child!? no! but i think it helps to instill those core values that they'll always come to remember.
as far as witnessing bad behavior, i like to pull the 'hmm, not sure i like that.. i'm surprise you'd do such a thing' look to the child. so they see, that i'm not amused. and if i felt it was bad enough behavior to warrant a comment, which of course is always a sticky thing to consider, i may say something along the lines of (and in a semi-playful tone, so as not to scare the child and possibly parent, that i'm trying to step in and take over) 'omg, you could have really hurt your mommy when you hit her... i hope she doesn't get sad or cry..'
and then of course, limiting time with the family entirely may also happen. afterall, if parents are allowing certain things that are hard for you to sit through, you may begin seeing them in a different light anyway.
FF angela.
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