Stepmonster

My stepson is driving me absolutely bananas. This is a bad thing.

A little background: I first met A when he was barely two years old. He was, to put it charitably, a hellion. He is now almost 5 and generally speaking, a really good kid. Smart, funny, well-behaved, etc etc etc. His mother is a whole different story, but we'll leave that for another time. A lives with us 50% and his mother 50% of the time. This is not an ideal arrangement but he seems to be okay with it, so that's what we do.

So now, suddenly, he has turned into sullen, pouty, won't-get-dressed-for-school child. He has gone from sunny and cheerful to dramatic acts of Gandhi-esque passive resistance each and every stinkin' morning. To make it even more fun and exciting for me, he now greets each attempted conversation with "I want my daddy." Knife to the heart, that one.

I have so many emotions swirling around this boy. When K and I first started dating, children were not yet really on my mind. I had only been out of law school a year or so and I was still intent on establishing my career. Not to mention that I was freshly divorced and not looking. So, obviously that all changed and A. was a big reason why. We had a very rocky relationship in the beginning but we came to understand and appreciate each other. And he made me realize how much I really did want a child of my own.

Enter TTC drama and "chemical pregnancies" (or whatever you want to call them). I have realized in their wake that one of my big fears is that I will never have a child of my own, but instead spend my life raising the child of another woman. A woman I don't like. A child who never stops talking about Mommy and, in moments of stress, seems to relish shutting me out.

I hasten to add, this is not his fault and I know this. He can and should talk about his Mommy as much as he wants to and DH and I are very careful never to disparage her or his feelings for her. But the net effect of this situation serves to constantly remind me that I am not his mother, I am not anyone's mother. I don't get a vote on where he goes to school, I don't get Mommy-I-love-you hugs, I don't get homemade Mother's Day cards. I just get to make the lunches and get him dressed and buy him toothpaste and give him baths and.........

And when he's "going through a phase" and acting like a little shit, this is all so much more deeply felt. Because the precarious affection that is between us in ordinary times goes missing. So I am left feeling like the unappreciated childless spinster maid.

I know I should be grateful to have a child in my life and mostly, I am. But not today.