Is it time to talk about the baby thing? Sigh.
Some background: we've been trying since March 2004, which translates into ten cycles of failure. This, in and of itself, is not so very bad. Especially because I am one of the lucky ones who ovulate on my own on a pretty regular schedule. The bad part comes in the form of crap-ass progesterone levels. Anyway, long story short, in October and then again in December (on my first happy shiny Clomid cycle), I made it just far enough in the process to have faint positive tests, complete with a crappy ick feeling I have now come to associate with early pregnancy, and then came the horrific bleeding like a stuck pig.
Yes yes, very early on and all that. I've heard that and tell myself that. Guess what? It doesn't help. This is the death of Hope here kids, not just the loss of a little tissue.
So, I'm conflicted. I have spent almost a year thinking about this on a daily basis and, all too often, an every-other-second basis. And now, dead stop. I haven't returned to CM checking, CP checking, temp taking, BD logging, etc etc etc. The list of TTC activity is endless, no? Lord knows we all needed a break from that crap. The part that worries me a little is that once I realized I was likely edging up on O, my first thought was "stay away from the man." WTF? I am now pregnancy avoiding? Where did this come from?
Part of me thinks that this must be that fabled grieving process working its way out. Part of me wonders if I can even bring myself to go back to it. I mean, I am going to see the RE tomorrow, so I obviously haven't run totally in the other direction. But the utter lack of enthusiasm at the thought of TTC'ing again is really unnerving. I am afraid to try to get pregnant but I still want a baby. What do you do with that?
4 comments:
I can completely relate. If you don't try, you can't fail...except that avoidance starts to feel like failure anyway.
Your writing is great; you are clearly a natural-born blogger!
Not sure if I already made this suggestion, or if you might already have done this, but if you'd like to increase your blog's readership, getting yourself added to Julie's Big List of Blogs is the way to go. Just go to www.alittlepregnant.com and look for the Big List link on the left near the bottom. She updates it every few months.
--Bugs
Just wanted to say good luck with the whole pregnancy thing. I know the last thing you want is unsolicited advice, I'll just offer words of encouragement.I have a good friend who has gone through multiple miscarriages and she now has two beautiful babies. It WILL happen one day, hang in there.:)
(angela)
oops, new at how the blog thing works... i meant to post this Hope peom here =)
~Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul
And sings the tune without the words
And never stops at all.~
-Emily Dickinson
Glad to see you out here, sweetie!
As for the dread of trying again after a crap-ass early miscarriage cycle--no, it's not unusual. I went through the same thing myself. I found, though, that while it was almost impossible to get excited about trying again, I was able to plow through.
These losses can take your innocence from you so quickly; it makes each subsequent step so much weightier. But know that you're not alone, and the rest of us are rooting for you!
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