26 weeks, 1 day: I am still here. Not in the hospital, not any other terrible place. I am sorry that I have not updated before now--I need to figure out how to do posts from a Blackberry or something?
The lowdown on the medical situation: still on bedrest (REALLY REALLY BAD), total protein numbers have bounced around without any significant increase or decrease so far (REALLY REALLY GOOD), BP still too high and still increasing medication every week (REALLY REALLY ANNOYING--KIND OF LIKE THE ALL CAPS, EH?).
Baby No Name is hanging in there like a trooper. We have our second Level II ultrasound this Thursday to check on his growth and the placenta situation. I am hoping that he will be well over 2 pounds by then.
My OB (did I call her Dr. Thorough before?) is somewhat perplexed by my collection of problems, as it is apparently worse than chronic hypertension usually is but it's not (yet) progressing like pre-eclampsia usually does. So, it looks like we won't have a firm diagnosis until we look back at it from the other side. If you're wondering, the reason we care about the diagnosis is that it gives some indication of what might happen in the next weeks/months. But I don't think we're going to get that luxury.
The basic plan at this point is to try to keep me out of the hospital for as long as possible. Dr. Thorough guesstimates that hospitalized bedrest will likely be needed by 30 weeks. We are hoping to keep BNN cooking in there until at least 32 weeks, which will be around Thanksgiving. A 32 weeker will be in NICU for a while, but hopefully not more than a month and without major prematurity problems. I can still barely think about what all this may mean for the baby.
Ack.
I'm not going to lie to you--spirits are on the low side. I have been throwing myself pity parties with distressing frequency. I have started doing therapy sessions again by phone and that has helped some, although my therapist pointed out that I must have been a dictator in a former life to have all these hard lessons to learn about control.
No kidding. I get it already. I am really trying to stave off wallowing as it does no one any good, least of all me. I have not yet had much success finding peace with all of this, but I am still trying. I've got to figure out how to move past the anger and sadness and fear that my longed for, idealized, probably one and only pregnancy is turning out like this. That is really old news at this point but it is still so hard to let go of the bitterness about all the experiences we have been cheated out of. I can hardly bear the thought that my baby's precious first weeks will be spent in a plastic tub with tubes and needles and monitors sticking out all over. And I know that he will most likely be ok. But still........so hard to come to terms with that.
Anyway, I am still here, making like a bump on a log and trying to keep this baby cooking. And gladly accepting all calming thoughts that you can spare.
Baby No Name is hanging in there like a trooper. We have our second Level II ultrasound this Thursday to check on his growth and the placenta situation. I am hoping that he will be well over 2 pounds by then.
My OB (did I call her Dr. Thorough before?) is somewhat perplexed by my collection of problems, as it is apparently worse than chronic hypertension usually is but it's not (yet) progressing like pre-eclampsia usually does. So, it looks like we won't have a firm diagnosis until we look back at it from the other side. If you're wondering, the reason we care about the diagnosis is that it gives some indication of what might happen in the next weeks/months. But I don't think we're going to get that luxury.
The basic plan at this point is to try to keep me out of the hospital for as long as possible. Dr. Thorough guesstimates that hospitalized bedrest will likely be needed by 30 weeks. We are hoping to keep BNN cooking in there until at least 32 weeks, which will be around Thanksgiving. A 32 weeker will be in NICU for a while, but hopefully not more than a month and without major prematurity problems. I can still barely think about what all this may mean for the baby.
Ack.
I'm not going to lie to you--spirits are on the low side. I have been throwing myself pity parties with distressing frequency. I have started doing therapy sessions again by phone and that has helped some, although my therapist pointed out that I must have been a dictator in a former life to have all these hard lessons to learn about control.
No kidding. I get it already. I am really trying to stave off wallowing as it does no one any good, least of all me. I have not yet had much success finding peace with all of this, but I am still trying. I've got to figure out how to move past the anger and sadness and fear that my longed for, idealized, probably one and only pregnancy is turning out like this. That is really old news at this point but it is still so hard to let go of the bitterness about all the experiences we have been cheated out of. I can hardly bear the thought that my baby's precious first weeks will be spent in a plastic tub with tubes and needles and monitors sticking out all over. And I know that he will most likely be ok. But still........so hard to come to terms with that.
Anyway, I am still here, making like a bump on a log and trying to keep this baby cooking. And gladly accepting all calming thoughts that you can spare.
13 comments:
Love and calming thoughts to you, sweetie. I'm so sorry this is so damn hard.
I'm on week 2 of now modified bedrest in week 24 for premature contractions. I never knew how hard bedrest could be. I'm trying to think of it like early pregnancy - a week at a time - markers between doctor's visits to check amniotic fluid levels (for me). This just isn't easy, but the end goal is so worth it. Hang in there!
Oh, Muddy. I just hate that this is happening. I know you can do it and I really do feel that little Baby No Name will pull through, but it's all just so hard.
Thinking about you always and sending calming thoughts and love your way!
Lindy
Thinking of you and wishing you all the calming peace in the world.
You're so brave, and are doing such an excellent job with this.
As an aside, are there anythings in particular you like to read, crafty things that you could do in bed? Perhaps we could send you care pacakges or the like to provide you with some bit of entertainment.
I am so sorry things are so tough. Sounds like you and your doctor are doing the best things you can for the baby and the pregnancy. Considering the situation, you sound like you're handling it like a real trooper.
I just wish someone had a laptop you could borrow!
Sending all kinds of good thoughts your way. Hang in there.
Sending my good and positive thoughts your way to you and BNN. I hope you can keep baby baking for the next 13 weeks so there's no need for the NICU.
Thanks for the update, been wondering how you're doing. Sorry this is so rough. Every day that you tough it out brings you one day closer to having a healthy baby.
If you've got any extra money just laying around (ha ha ha) I'd suggest renting a laptop. It's not as expensive as you might think - I just had one for a month for $300 - and it might help preserve your sanity.
I'll be thinking positive thoughts for you!
There's a way to set it up so you can post from email. You'd have to be at the computer to do the setup, but then you could probably post from the Blackberry. I've never done it, so I don't know how the posts appear, but it looks pretty straightforward (go into "Settings" and then "email" and modify the "Mail to Blogger" address). It may be worth a try.
I am so sorry this is so rough for you. I hope things get better somehow and your baby won't need to be so long in the hospital. I wish I had magical soothing words to say to you... All I can say is I'm thinking of you and sending you lots of calming and positive thoughts.
Ahh... and you can post from your blackberry. I do it occasionally from mine when I'm traveling. What model do you have? If you e-mail me, I'd be happy to teach you.
Thinking of you. I know this has got to be so very hard, but it sounds like you are in capable hands. Hang in there.
Hoping that he sticks around in there as long as possible.
Just thinking of you and glad to hear little BNN is snuggled in and hopefully stays that way longer than you expect!!! Sorry this hasn't been the ideal experience we all hope for...stay strong.
Tara
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