The Ugly Truth

I thought it was time I explained what I've been doing since I dropped off the face of the earth. After the 1-2-3 Smackdown of chemical pregnancies, a hideous HSG and surprisingly bad FSH results, I went into an infertility tailspin. I consciously recognized this and acknowledged it somewhere close to the beginning of the spin, and I figured that it was a necessary process. In other words, that it was just a matter of time until I got over it and moved on to the next step, as instructed.

But it didn't happen. After the FSH news, I said I'd take two months off to settle into the New Old Job and give my emotions a break, etc. etc. It's been nearly four cycles now and I still can't quite bring myself to start it up again. This, I knew.

But, what surprised me a little was my recent realization of just how much fear I've got bound up in this. After reading Bugs's typically beautiful post about not pushing for the results of her IVF cycle, to keep hope alive a little longer, I started thinking about my utter cowardice in facing up to this. I have been saying that I can't emotionally handle the ups and downs of treatments--the "daily death of hope" that some of us have talked about--but that's not really it. It is, but not the main part of it.

The real fear is more insidious, I think. It's that I don't know what to do with the emotions that will inevitably overwhelm me at the thought of going through this treatment and being unsuccessful at the end of it. All that pain and nothing to show for it except, theoretically, personal growth. What do you do with that? How can I start the process with the knowledge that it will likely fail? How can I let myself be that vulnerable?

I talked to my therapist about this today (infertility has driven you to therapy too, right?) and, in the course of our discussion, she wanted me to say aloud the sentence, "I want a baby," to see what kind of emotions were brought up by it. I couldn't do it. Literally, I could not. It was like my throat seized up and refused to let the words out. Like it would open a huge and hideous door to a whole roomful of emotional crap that I am just unable to process.

And, if you haven't noticed yet, I feel guilty about this. I feel like a chicken coward loser. Because so so many of you out there have taken on infertility challenges more akin to Mt. Everest than this little molehill I'm hiding from, and you're still standing. I can't even seem to get started. It's hard not to fault myself for this and say maybe I don't deserve to come out the other side with my very own baby, if I can't get up the gumption to even try.

So, enough already. I hope you will all forgive me for disappearing on you and hiding out from TTC-ing with my thousand excuses. Lord knows, I have a million of 'em. But, I'm trying to rejoin you, full steam ahead. I'm trying very hard. And all encouragement is much appreciated......